Time Pass -- Rajeev Ranjan

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1.	Top Secret	2.	Son's Name	3.	Intelligent	4.	Signal man
5.	Slap	6.	Want the Day off ?	7.	God's Balance	8.	Real meaning
9.	Old lady	10.	Suite 16	11.	Surd !	12.	Niagra fall
13.	Spare Bomb	14.	Surd's Time	15.	B - Side	16.	Surd's Twin
17.		18.		19.		40.
21.		22.		23.		24.

All the Jokes on this page are collected either from a friends or from internet ources:
Last up-dated :Friday, December 13, 2002 10:12:36 AM

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 5 1?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were
very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the
Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and
you have to tell her where I was last night!"

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A person from Uttar Pradesh (UP) was in Mysore for about 4 years and his wife
was in Jaunpur (UP). At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleages in office
stating that his wife had delivered a Son.
His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this happened when our friend was
in Mysore and his wife in Jaunpur.
He said it is common in UP, that neighbours take care of the wife when men are away.
The colleagues asked him "what name will you give to the son ?" to which he replied
"If its the second neighbour who has taken care, then the name would be DWIVEDI,
if it is the third neighbour then it would be TRIVEDI,
if it is the fourth neighbour then it would be CHATURVEDI &
if its the fifth neighbour then PANDEY.
After listening to this,questions followed and what if it is a mixture of neighbours?
then it would be named as MISHRA .
and what if the wife is shy to tell the name of the neighbour,
then it would be SHARMA.
and what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour
then the name of the child would be GUPTA.
If she does not remember the name then?
it is YAAD-AV,
If it is the result of rape... it is DOSHI..
finally, If she is too enthusiastic about it, then he is JOSHI....

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Bobby returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father.
" Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say
half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing.
Is that because, I am Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent. "
Bobby seeming content with the answer, asks his
father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other
kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20.
Is this because I am Sardar ??"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bobby poses another question to his father,
"Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter
than me, I was atleast twice their height.
Is that because I am Sardar ??"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."

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Balwant Bitta wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him.
"What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
"I should switch the points for one of the trains," Bitta replies.
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Bitta, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Bitta continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case, I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Santa Singh."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

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There's an Indian cricket fan, a Pakistani cricket fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The woman and the Indian fan are sitting there looking perplexed.
The Pakistani fan is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Pakistani fan is thinking "Ya Allah, that Indian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me
and slapped me."
The lady is thinking, "That Pakistani fan must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Indian fan
instead and got slap.
The Indian fan was thinking to himself...
"If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani again."

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So, you want leave?
Here is what the boss might say :
There are 365 days in a year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on a cofee break which accounts for 23 days each year, leaving 68 days available.
With a one hour lunch break every day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend two days per year on sick leave.
This leaves only 20 days available for work. We are off for five holidays per year, so the available
working time is down to 15 days. There is a 14 day vacation per year which leaves only one day available for
work and I will be darned if you are going to take that day off.

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What women "really" means when she says :
You want -- You want. We need -- I want.
It's your decision -- The correct decision should obvious by now.
Do you want -- You'll pay for this later. We need to talk -- I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead -- I don't want you to.
I'm not upset -- Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly -- You need a save and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights -- I'm embarrassed.
The kitchen is so inconvenient -- I want a new house.
I heard a noise -- I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you Love me? -- I'm going to ask you something expansive.
How much do you love me? -- I did something today you're not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute -- Kick off your shoes and see a good serial on TV.
Am I little fat? -- Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate -- Just agree with me.
Yes -- No
No -- No
May be -- No
I'm sorry - You'll be sorry.
Are you listening to me? -- Too late, you're dead.

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A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness, timidly approached the
check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel.
"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the young
man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"
"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."

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An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked,
waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter
responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

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Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!

Q: How do you keep a surd busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!

Q: Why do surds wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why do surds work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: He turned it over and used the other side.

Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you confuse a surd?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why do men like surd jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

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A guide was showing Niagra falls to the foreigners.
He said " The sound made by this fall can be heard over two miles away.
Then he turned to the ladies and said,
"Ladies, will you please be quiet for a while. We want to hear the noise properly."

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God was in the process of creating the universe and he was explaining his subordinates
"Look everithing should be in balance. For every 10 deer's there should be a lion.
Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time, I have given them insecurity and the tension.
And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.
So, you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked, "God, what is this beautiful country here?"
God said, "Ahah. That is the crown piece of all, INDIA.
They have understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, green mountains, a culture which speakes of the great tradition that they live, technology brilliant and with a heart of gold."
The angel was quite surprised.
But God you said "everything should be in balance."
God replied "Look at the neighbours I have given them."

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Sardarji's got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament.
They take 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.
One asks the other "What happens, if the bombs blast off now"
The other says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat".

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Santa Singh sees banta singh singing while sitting on a tree.
After sometime santa sees Banta hanging himself upside down on the tree and singing.....
He goes and asks him why he is hanging himself upside down?...
Banta laughs and says 'Are Gadhe itna bhi nahi samajata.
Yeh to B side hai'............

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SURD : "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN : "It's 3:15."
SURD : (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing,
I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

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SURD #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
SURD #2: "No, who wrote it?"

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What about the surd wife who gave birth to twins?
- Her husband is out looking for the other man.

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